Happy Birthday to me....NOT

My birthdays have not been very exciting for the last 4 or so years now, but today...my 34th birthday, takes the cake in the craptastic catagory.

Trying to make a super long story short...I swear someone could write a book about my upbringing, that would then probably be turned into some Lifetime movie.

My mom was not Mother Of The Year material. She showed that with her family from her first marriage (2 of my older brothers and my older sister.) She would often leave the kids alone for weeks at a time, so did their dad...both claiming they thought the other was home. Meanwhile my oldest brother...who was maybe 12, was in charge of the other two who were probably 8 and 5 at the time. He would have to steal food from the local market to feed them because there was none in the house.

My mom then married my dad, who was super abusive to her other kids and her. She fled after years of abuse, and then she started flaking on my younger sister and I. At 9 and 8 she would leave us home alone for 3-4 days at a time...at least she was nice enough to stock the freezer with microwave meals. She had a hard time holding down a job and we were evicted from more places than I can count. Even spent a month or so living in our car...which was a Daytona hatch back...pretty tight fit for 3.

When my older brother retired from the military they moved in with us to help mom out. She was always broke...which actually had a silver lining, she was a fundless hoarder. Our house was often a disaster, if she had had the money to buy more stuff we could have been on the show.

When I was 17 and my younger sister was 15 she moved from Oregon to Florida...some boyfriend who we didn't like wanted to go and so she went. Thankfully my oldest brother took me and Allie in. It has been 17 years since I have seen her, about 4 years after she left we got 1 phone call and two letters...not a word since.

I woke up today, started getting the kids eating when Jason walked in the door about 7 hours early from work. I asked him, with a laugh, if he got fired. He said no, and asked me if I heard him talking to someone this morning...at 6:30am I am totally passed out thank you. He said as he stepped out the front door to go to work he almost ran into a police officer. Then he said they were looking for me, and that he was so sorry to have to tell me...especially on my birthday, that my mom was found dead a week ago.

It was a total out of the blue blow, I don't know why but I almost started crying. I mean we were just finding our way back to "normal" from Jason's dad passing away and here we go again. Now here is why I am a sucker. My other siblings want nothing to do with anything, they don't want to cremate her or collect her things are take care of tying up anything in Florida. I shouldn't either, but we will be paying $1000 to cremate her and have spent another grand on tickets and a hotel for Jason and I...and Jericho, to sort shit out in FL. The only reason I can justify doing it to myself is that if I ever, God forbid, have a falling out with my kids I hope they will not leave me to a mass grave somewhere unknown.

 All I have to say is if my fucking plane goes down taking the 3 of us with it...and taking us away from Xander, Hayden and Lily, all for someone who hasn't cared about me at all in the last 17 years that will really be a slap in the face LOL. I am just trying to remember how much I loved her my first 17 years...even though I am still so angry, and feel so sorry for all she missed out on. She had her own crappy upbringing...which I don't even know all the details about myself, but I do know my mother along with her siblings were sent to a orphanage by their mother for a number of years. She did end up coming to collect them, one by one, my mom being the last to be brought home. Not that it is an excuse but I try to remember she didn't have the best role models either. She lived alone in a crappy 32ft travel trailer, she had nothing but a cat, she died alone....so sad, but it was her choice I guess.

I was not in a picture taking mood today, so it is a great time to post a few that I took a couple weeks ago and forgot to add.

I am just so glad my parenting apple fell far from her tree. I look at these guys and can not even begin to imagine leaving them and never seeing them again...of my own free will. Who does that?

This is bringing up feelings I thought I had long ago gotten over. All the birthdays and Holidays with no word from her, the birth of my children with no word from her...heck I doubt she even knew I had children. Just so stupid.

Being a Momma is shaping me into a person who looks for the silver lining. I guess I can say in this case it is, I know exactly what type of parent I do NOT want to be. These 4 people are my heart, I couldn't survive without them....and wouldn't want to. This cycle will not be repeating, I can tell you that.